Wednesday, December 28, 2011

This Christmas crap needs to go

I never understood why people would put up their Christmas trees in November and not take them down until practically Spring. I suppose some need to feel the Christmas spirit for as long as possible, but I can't handle the crap that ends up everywhere. It drives me bananas.

Now not only am I having to sit in the house with two very hyperactive, not-in-school children and expected to maintain my sanity, there's crap everywhere. There are parts of toy science experiment sets all over my livingroom carpet and the kids take particular joy in spreading these little pieces throughout the house never to be seen again. That is until I step on one a month from now and it goes through my foot.

Back to the tree.....as hard as I try, I can't seem to keep it looking nice. I found Clifford under there the other day batting at ornaments like a cat. Considering all the torture the tree endures throughout the holiday, all the fallen ornaments end up hung back up wherever someone puts them.

Time to go back where you came from

If I can manage to survive the next few days with these kids, my ex's mother will be taking them for a few days so I can officially take leave of my faculties and drive up to New York with Richard for the New Year.

When we get back...the tree.

And I just used my last coffee filter.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I need a PHD to work this Kindle

The kids got Kindle Touches for Chrstmas. I'm unfortunately very used to the iPad so understanding the Kindle and how it all works is surprisingly difficult for me.

Did I miss something? How is it that I can work an iPad and not understand this thing??

Well, let's all hope that the kids don't spend all of my money without me knowing buying books with questionable titles. After all, what kid could resist owning a book titled 'Sweet Farts'??

Yep, just bought it for them.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Happy birthday to my nutbag kids

Woo Hoo!! We made it a decade. Shock and awe.

10 years ago today, two monsters came screeching into my life. Within the past decade I've managed to perfect being the resident maid, chef, professional stain remover, toy mechanic, exterminator of all thing creepy, nurse, surgeon (only a few times), garbage collector, ball of stress, money tree, and kick-ass mom to two crazy boys.
Boys are awesome....and clean

Happy 10th birthday, monsters! We made it a whole decade. Let's try for at least a few more....unless I die, then good luck to you.
Love, mom.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

People are out of their damn minds

Maybe it's me, but driving around this place has quickly become a total nightmare. The highways are constantly under construction, traffic is horrendous, and people are mean. Just driving down the Beltway in the middle of the day is about as safe as skydiving with a parachute packed by one of your kids. All while smokin' a cig and sippin' on lighter fluid. Those of you from the DC area know exactly what I'm talking about.

This has been a major source of stress for me for some time now. As I'm getting in the car in the morning before work, I find myself literally preparing to do battle with the idiots. People are so unapologetic nowadays and they seem to have forgotten that a simple wave of the hand- right after they've so rudely cut me off on the highway- makes a big difference. I feel TERRIBLE if I inadvertently cut in front of someone in the car, or any line I happen to be standing it. It's common courtesy to be apologetic and make it right! People don't. Because they're idiots.

Since all civility has apparently gone out the window, I've been looking at ways to stay sane since I have to share a space with these morons. My cousin Leigh suggested listening to books in the car. "That's the only way to quiet the rage", she says. She should know, her commute is way worse than mine. I should probably go with the books since I could get a lot of listening in during the hour it takes me to drive the 18 crappy miles between home and work. Until now, I've just been shouting obscenities at the idiots. Somehow that makes me feel better.

I need to get massages on a regular basis.

Monday, December 12, 2011

We lived through the birthday party

Last month I decided it would be a good idea to finally throw a birthday party for my kids, who happen to have been born three days before Christmas. Thanks a lot for making it so easy, guys.
Since they've never really had a real party where friends actually showed up, I planned it for an earlier day in December. Yesterday was that day.

Picture this--Richard and me dragging ourselves, the kids, and two EXTRA kids into DC in the 34 degree, blustery weather, finding parking, and getting everyone into the Spy Museum....on time. It wasn't easy, but we managed to make it happen.

The "guests" (all 9 and 10 year old boys) trickled in one at a time and once around those little gems, my boys went insane. There was giggling and screeching and for a moment I thought we might be asked to leave. But alas, we were escorted to the party room.

The young women who clearly pulled the short straw and were assigned to run our party were basically saints. They put up with the boys running in actual circles, talking about farts, and not following directions. It was exhausting to watch. About 15 minutes in I came to the conclusion that only booze could make that experience tolerable.

After a bumpy start and a desperate attempt on the part of the museum employees to explain the "mission" each team was to accomplish, the kids were off into the museum to completely harass every paying visitor in the place. I don't think I've ever apologized to that many strangers in such a short amount of time.

After all the missions were successfully accomplished, it was back to the party room for a debriefing, goodie bags, and cake. Lots and lots of cake. Which meant lots and lots of sugar. This took the insanity, and the fart jokes, to a new level. I was counting minutes.....

The only way I can effectively describe the ceremonial unwrapping of the gifts is to have you imagine you're standing alone in a very small, enclosed space. You have 14 loaves of bread...and the room is filled with seagulls. RABID seagulls. It was a free-for-all and I was somehow stuck in the middle. They were like wild animals! I struggled to make notes of who brought what while the kids ravaged the gifts leaving a trail of destruction behind them. I made the effort to clean up as much as possible because at that point I just felt sorry for those poor museum employees.

All in all, we managed to survive. Although it was touch and go for a few moments. I have Richard, my Dad, his wife Patty, and her daughter Katie to thank for stepping in as chaperones and helping me keep 9 insane, rabid seagull-like 9/10 year old boys in check for two whole hours.

Looks more like the loser wall from the dance scene in Sixteen Candles

I still can't believe we weren't asked to leave...and to kindly never return.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Free at last! Swim lessons are finally over....

Clear back in September, I posted about enrolling the kids in swim lessons so they wouldn't drown. At that time they were excited to spend their Tuesday evenings splashing about in the pool, as they did all summer.

Not long after that things took a very quick turn for the worse when suddenly the water was just "too cold" and they balked at the idea that they "needed to learn to swim". After all, they already could! (WRONG).

Considering I paid more than $200 for these lessons, I was determined to get my money's worth. And I did that by forcing them to go to every. single. lesson. And it was a nightmare.

Screaming and crying and endless "I don't need to learn how to swimmmm!!!" from their rotten little mouths....for MONTHS. Never again. The end.


Let's be done with this crap....

Last night was the VERY LAST swim lesson and I couldn't be happier. I may be happier than the kids, now that I don't have to endure our Tuesday night ritual of complaints followed by threats of consequences for being a little snot. Ugh, the stress. And of course as the lesson was wrapping up, Clifford exclaims "Mom, I wanna be in swim lessons in the Spring!"

NO

Friday, December 2, 2011

My kids are insane

...and I don't think I like them very much anymore.

Ugh.

There's something about this particular time of year when my otherwise mostly-lovable children are mysteriously replaced with demons. And the demons are taking over the house.

I know I've mentioned in previous posts that the kids are apt to fight...continually. But this takes it. They're about to pull each others' heads off from the moment they wake up in the morning until the moment they manage to drift off to sleep at night, which is usually about an hour after they were supposed to drift off to sleep. So the next day they are truly a joy to be around..

And the cycle of life continues.


And no, my kids aren't Asian, but they definitely do this

So, since everyone in the house is completely at odds with one another, it's a wonder I don't just pack up their stuff and put them on the curb. Someone will take them home, right?

It'll be a small miracle if we all make it through the holidays intact, and with all our limbs. I'm just hoping it doesn't all result in a Christmas morning where I find myself telling everyone to "take your @#!$&!!! gift and shut up".

I love this time of year....