Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Chasin' crickets

Tis the season for those horrifying camel crickets. They make their way through the teeny cracks in the foundation and take up residence in the basement.

There, they wait in silence to scare the CRAP out of you by leaping in your direction when you inadvertently get too close. They're DISGUSTING. And they're all over the basement. YUCK.

I tell the kids, if you can catch them they must be flushed because I'm convinced once they get evicted, they just move back in when you're not looking only to be discovered when you're dragging a 47lb basket of dirty laundry down to the washing machine. Light goes on....HOP!

Vomit.

This morning was such a morning. Richard came up from the basement looking all wide eyed claiming that at least 5 scattered when he turned the light on. The kids immediately went down to try to catch them promising to flush, per my instructions. They were too quick (crickets, not the kids), and then they had to leave for the bus (kids, not the crickets) so all that was left was a bottle of indoor/outdoor bug killin' spray and as much determination as I could scrape together while still in my bathrobe.

I got the job done. And by the way, found a total of ONE cricket, not the 5 previously reported. They're probably doing what they do best- hiding in the sneaky spaces so they can leap out at me when I least expect it guaranteeing a mild stroke. I got one of you, though! Tell your friends.

I'll take crickets over spiders any day, but I would rather have the only creepy crawlies found in the house to be the kids.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Another one to add to the "save for when he's an adult" file

Both of the boys have said some pretty "adult" things in the past, and sometimes those random moments end up memorialized on paper.

Like Clifford's rant about Alexander being a "video game nerd", which was actually submitted as a writing assignment, and Alexander's very impressive essay submitted as his official bid to become a safety patrol.

Well, I found another keeper....Alexander came home from school yesterday with several things in his backpack, which usually means he has more homework than he's willing to admit. Homework is the subject of great meltdowns in our house. Because homework sucks (according to the kids). But I digress.

He fessed up to the math and began to work on that while I rummaged through the rest of the stuff. I came across one of those old-school composite notebooks that they still use for writing and such and on the first page I found Alexander's very thoughtful explanation of what 'poetry' is.

It wasn't the very descriptive statements about what poetry can be, such as "talking about someone or something like what it's doing or describing its colors, its texture, what it's seeing and all that..."
And it wasn't so much how it started:

Okay, pretty straight forward

It was how it ended:

I don't know where this kid learned to wrap up paragraphs, but I like it


Of course it made me laugh almost to the point I gave myself away. He would have thought I was making fun of him when I actually found this very definitive ending to a well thought-out paragraph about poetry to be very creative.

So that's it...that's poetry. Just so there's no confusion.

At least he's clear.




Monday, September 17, 2012

Just sprinkle some salmonella on it

Apparently the universe didn't think my life was interesting enough with 2 10-year-olds, so it decided to take things up a notch this past weekend.

Nana left the building on Saturday morning so we were ALL up at 5AM to say goodbye. Of course when you're 10, you wouldn't even consider going back to sleep after that. So the kids were up.

I, on the other hand, returned from dropping my Mom at the airport and promptly crashed. The kids? Up. And 'up' means sneaking around the house looking for ways to get into trouble.

Over the summer, they kids learned how to cook their own eggs in a pan and for some reason, 'sunny side up' became a favorite, despite pleas from Richard to cook it til it was DEAD. Some time that Saturday morning, I could smell eggs-a-cookin' and after I made sure the house wasn't actually on fire, I left the kids to it. All was well.

A few hours later, we were at the soccer field for the first game of the season...no drama. They won.

Cut to early Saturday evening and both kids started to feel "icky".

Go lie down!

Everything seemed to be fine, but Clifford wasn't hungry at dinner time when I was whipping up tacos, so he abstained. Not really like him. Alexander ate one and everything was fine....

Later on that night when both kids were asleep, I was just about to do the same when I heard Clifford holler about his stomach.

Me: What's going on?
Clifford: I feel like I'm gonna throw uuuupppp.
Me: Well, maybe you should get down from your loft....
Clifford.......VOMIT

Right in his bed. That was nice.

So I drag him out of bed and into the bathroom and headed to the kitchen to get something to clean all this up. No sooner am I down there do I hear one of the kids holler "HE'S THROWING UPPPPPP!"

My first response, thinking this is Alexander I'm hearing is "I KNOWWWWW".

Then I hear Clifford say "NO...ALEXANDER IS!!"

Oh crap.

I ran upstairs to see Alexander hovering over the toilet, Clifford had moved on to the bathroom trash can, and I managed to run through the mess Alexander made on the top two carpeted stairs in my bare feet.

UGH!!!!!

Projectile vomit and crying kids everywhere.

At one point I even screamed "please stop throwing up!!!!!" Of course they looked at me like I was insane, and I was waiting for their heads to start spinning around like that creepy kid from The Exorcist.

At that point I texted Richard, who was out..."Kids are throwing up everywherrrrrrre!"

"It was the eggs...it was the eggs!!"

Ugh, the eggs.

Richard came home and I promptly put him on dry heave duty, which lasted until roughly 2:30AM. I went to bed, but not before I sanitized my surroundings, and my feet.

The next morning it was as if nothing happened. But of course they'll "never eat another egg ever ever again".

Sure...until next weekend.


Thursday, September 13, 2012

Shady moms are underrated

This is how I know I could probably get away with poisoning someone....

Not in a "riveting episode of Snapped" way, but in a "kids are giving me shit so I'll work around it" way.

A little history:

The kids finally started school, and it was a bumpy start at best. The two of them, although 10 year old boys, have the attitudes (and the tendency to whine) like 15 year old girls. Squealing and all.

Something happened within the last year. I'm not certain what, but I now have too crabby bitches on my hands. So from the first day of school a week and a half ago til now, I've seen more mood swings and unexplained behavior than can be found in a David Lynch movie.

It's exhausting.

Needless to say, but I'll say it anyway, our morning routine has yet to be established with any success. Clothing needs to be put on, breakfast needs to be consumed, ADHD meds need to be taken. And this last part is not negotiable. I couldn't care less if the kids rolled out of the house wearing pajama bottoms and shirts that are 3 sizes too small, at least they'll have their meds in them.

Which of course has been the subject of 7 AM meltdowns lately. I feel really bad for our new neighbors.

On top of all this craziness, I've decided my life didn't have quite enough challenges so I put the kids on a completely Gluten free/Casein free diet. And being the genius mom that I am, I've been sneaking handfuls of spinach into their morning smoothies (which they love). So...HA! Eat your veggies, boys!

This week I decided to take all this deception to the next level by emptying their ADHD med capsules into the smoothies. A few quick stirs and voila! No more bitching at me over not wanting to swallow giant pills.

And just like with the spinach, I'm certain they know exactly what I'm doing. They figured out the spinach trick soon into our smoothies for breakfast ritual and I didn't know that until I was simultaneously trying to make them and shoo the kids out of the kitchen so they wouldn't be on to me. Alexander spits out "hey Clifford, you know there's spinach in there". Thanks, Alexander.

They still drink them. I win.

Now every morning they get their sneaky spinach and fruit smoothies laced with magical ADHD fairy dust before they even get out of bed. My hope is between that and depriving them of real bread and cheese sticks, they'll settle down and I won't have to write apology notes and stick them on the neighbor's door.


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

First day of school = the firey gates of hell

The kids came back on August 28. That gave them exactly one week to re acclimate, and gave me exactly one week to want to hide in my closet with a few bottles of wine and someone to talk to (other than the kids).

They were very glad to be home and I was very glad to see them. Of course all that change + two very ADHD 10 year olds + a new house + new rooms + annoying rules (for them) = probably some of the worst behavior ever. Mostly from the kids.

Then came the first day of school. We all knew it was coming and we all knew it would be hell. The kids made it very clear they did NOT wish to be back in school or have anything to do with anything related to school, so you can imagine that the closer we got to the dreaded day after Labor Day, the worse their attitudes became. I was hoping for a good morning, but I really know better.

I did my very best to ignore all that bitching and moaning, but it all came to a head between 6 and 7 AM on that Tuesday morning. That's when the devil(s) showed up.

From the words "time to wake up for school" there were nothing but snarky comments about shirts being too big to wear and hair being "fine, so don't touch it" when in fact they both looked like Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons. I'm certain when I wasn't looking there were a few punches thrown and several "shut up"s tossed back and forth.

Everyone in the house was totally pissed off.

So needless to say there was no first day of fifth grade picture. Clifford left the house in a huff and Alexander walked to the bus stop crying.

A good way to start off the school year. Being a mom is awesome.

By the time I got home from work in the evening almost everything was back to normal. This morning was a much better morning to be going off to school, and we now have a SECOND day of fifth grade picture that isn't so bad.

Everyone cross your fingers for a relatively incident-free school year. No more lighting Legos on fire in the boys bathroom, no more hollering nasty remarks at the other kids in the after-school program, and especially no more beating the crap out of each other. (We can all wish, can't we?)